I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
