im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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