Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
She bit a glass in half.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
