remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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