Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
