Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
