Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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