I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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