He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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