im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
