I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
