Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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