you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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