I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Panties = found
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
