There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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