He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, I just burned my penis
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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