i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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