Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
My hand turned me down
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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