when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
