Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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