well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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