I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
