It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
