your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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