while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
