i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
