last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Dicks are not precious.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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