TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
