Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
