I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
