totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I am midnight drunk by noon
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
