We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize