This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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