She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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