Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
