I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
