I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
