i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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