I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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