I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
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For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
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It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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