Have you finally orgasmed yet?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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