I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
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I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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