Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
