Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
