Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You made out with two different species that night
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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