I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
