She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
