I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
17 Subtle Body Language Signs That Reveal A Lot About Someone
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
These 21 Declassified Government Horrors Are Unimaginable
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
BRING THE BAGELS
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs