Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!