im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.