You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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