remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
