True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
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