I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
