everyone is single if you try hard enough
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
